Behavior Modification vs Relationship

We've been home about 6 weeks now.  And I think the honeymoon phase is slowing down.  I would say that the last 2 weeks have been much harder...not for my family...but for me.  Part of it being probably not having much time to myself or to breath.  But also just facing a lot of my own bad habits and selfishness.  And for the first 2 weeks taking it out on others around me instead of realizing that the majority of the issues are mine. 

Honestly, I have to confess, I tend to be a yeller...or raise my voice kinda person.  I bark at my kids when I'm upset or are trying to get them to do what I want.  Why?  Probably because that's the type of home I grew up in.  I confess that I tend to obsess about behavior modification.  Why?  Because of my pride and wanting to appear as if I have full control of my kids and that they are well-behaved.  So where does that lead me to...a lot of yelling, barking, and trying to control my kids to behave in the way that I want them to behave.  Yeah, doesn't sound like a lot of fun does it to be in my family huh?  That's what I'm realizing and what my insightful and gracious husband reminded me of the other day as he told me that I may need to go to my room and take a break and give the kids a break. 

As I stood in the hot shower trying to wash away my frustrated feelings, God just threw this verse in my head..."For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal Life" (John 3:16).  My heavenly Father did not give up His only Son, Jesus, for me so I can become a "good person" and "modify my behavior"...no, He gave up His only Son, because He wanted to have a relationship with me.  To bring me into His family for eternity. 

If that is the way my gracious Heavenly Father interacts with me, why am I so unyielding and fussy at my kids?  Why do I not show them more grace?  Remembering that at the heart of everything I need to preserve and grow in my relationship with them...not just mold them to do what I tell them to do. 

How do I show them the gracious and forgiving love of Jesus if I cling to my rules and standards for everything?  How?  By reminding myself in the midst of the madness that "While I was yet a sinner, Christ Jesus died for me."  He didn't ask me to be perfect...but He asked me to become His daughter. 

A friend shared with me this devotional about motherhood from Desiring God and this excerpt just resonated... "Give your life for theirs every day, joyfully. Lay down pettiness. Lay down fussiness. Lay down resentment about the dishes, about the laundry, about how no one knows how hard you work.
Stop clinging to yourself and cling to the cross. There is more joy and more life and more laughter on the other side of death than you can possibly carry alone." 

Lord, help me to focus on the relationship that I have with my kids.  To strengthen our relationship so that they would desire out of love for me and for You to live a life beyond reproach.  (and not because I nagged them to do so).

Honest Confessions...

In 2 short days, we will be hitting the 1 month mark of when we received custody of our sweet Mercy.  It's been an up and down journey but all in all we feel like we are settling into a good place right now.

When I blog, I tend to try to be upbeat...try to see the positives...and see God's hand in things.

Today, I'm going to give you my honest confessions from over the past few weeks...some parts that now, I look back and laugh at myself, and other parts that even now I wonder how do I work through these feelings and thoughts.

As you may know we have had an unconventional adoption transition since our daughter is older and we communicate with her in her native language.  I've shared before it's been both a blessing and sometimes a difficulty.

In light of that, what have been the difficult moments over the past few weeks...

Hmmm...being given the 3rd degree about EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING.  From being asked why does umma need to cook food? (remember she was in an institution with a cafeteria where likely the people she saw cooking had on a hairnet...something I don't have).  Why does umma and appa need to sleep in the same room?  (We don't right now since I'm sleeping next to her but we have been talking about this in preperation for a transition soon).  Who is every single person that we wave too?  Even when we take a walk down the street, she'll see a stranger walking by and I courteously wave (we live in Central Illinois...we wave to strangers walking down the street), and then I'm assaulted by the questiosn..."Who is that?  How do you know them?  Where are they going?"  The friendly cashier at the grocery store says Hi and again I'm assaulted..."Who is that?  How do you know them?"  (I totally get she's trying to figure out her world and all the people she sees...but honest confession here, it gets tiring!)...I've come to a point when I see a stranger approach or we get close to the front of the checkout line, I preemtively say to Mercy, "I don't know that person."

Not only does she give the 3rd degree but she's a check and double check kinda girl.  Meaning if she asks a question, she doesn't stop after you answer once.  She asks probably the same question about 5 times at least.  In the first few days, I was very patient to answer and honest confession here, was wondering if something was going on with her memory since I would answer a question and a minute or so later she would ask it again.  But after a while, my patience began wearing thin so I started responding when she would ask a question more than twice, by saying, "You know the answer...I just told you...so what is the answer?"  At that point she would pause and then tell me the answer...and I would exclaim how right she is and how smart she is.  (Also this alleviated my fears of her having memory issues...she's just wanting to check things out and make sure she heard things correctly the first time I guess...)

It's been a wonderful gift being able to communicate with my new daughter and know what she's thinking but it's been a test of my patience having a talking sidekick pretty much 24/7 for almost a month straight.  Honest confession...last week, 3rd week in was a low point for me.  She needs to be communicating with me almost constantly.  She's not good with silence yet.  When I'm in the car, I like to listen to music and just enjoy silence sometimes.  Over the past  month we've been listening to lots of Korean kid's music...it's fun...but sometimes I want to turn on my own music.  Last week was one of those days.  I switched on the radio and a favorite song of mine came on...as I was listening, I hear from the backseat..."Umma".  I am honestly tired of talking so I just sing along to my music.  Then I hear again, "Umma."  So I turn around and ask her "Yes?"  She just looks at me and says, "ummm...where are we going?"  (I've already answered this question about 3 times...see above paragraph for details about that issue).  I gently with a little strain in my face, answer it again and turn back to sing along to my music.  Then after a few seconds I hear again, "Umma".  And by this time my patience has worn thin.  I turn around and ask her, "Mercy, please let's not talk until this song is done...no more talking right now."  I turn around to sing along, and after a few seconds..."Umma".  Here's my low point of the day, I literally put up both my hands to my ears (I was at a stoplight) and just closed my eyes.

Another honest confession that is not as lighthearted as before is that due to the language connection and her older age, I've had to work out a lot of issues I didn't think I would need to work out for years to come.  I've always thought I was going to be an adoptive mom who is very open about talking about and embracing the other people who had been in my child's life.  And with Hudson it was easy to feel that way because in his memory it really is only me he remembers as his primary caregiver since he was only 14 months old when he came home.  So going through photos of his foster mother or talking about his first mother with him really is not that hard right now since he doesn't seem to recognize them in photos and is not verbally expressing or processing the implications of who these people are right now.  So when we read his lifebook, it's like reading a story book.  He just right now recognizes himself in the pictures and we clap and smile about that.  So, I thought, giving myself a pat on the back, I'm going to be an adoptive mom who can talk and share about the adoption story with no hesitations or qualms...I'm secure...I'm not threatened in anyway.

But then here comes Mercy.  Who remembers very clearly her past caregivers.  Who would ask me repeatedly when she can go see them again.  Who would tell me that she is making cards for them and when she goes back she is going to bring them pizza since one of her old ummas liked pizza a lot.  Who after seeing her brothers and sister's lifebooks (we keep them in the family room where the kids can look at them whenever they want), asked me last week to see her baby photos.  Thankfully we received a bunch of them from our meeting with her foster mother who had cared for her from 3 months of age to 3 years old.  So, I put together a quick rough draft lifebook for her to walk her through her life transitions.  I sat down with her and we went through it.  Looking at her first baby photos to her with her foster mother and then as she got to be a toddler to when she went to AMSA (orphanage) with her caregivers there and then a bunch of photos of her with her family (with us).  And as we were looking at those photos, she recongizes her old foster home...and says to me, "I wish I could go back there and live...I really wanted to go back there and live."  "I miss this umma (foster mom)."  "Pointing to her AMSA caregivers, her voice chokes up and she says when I grow up I will go and visit them."

And honest confession, my whole bravado of being this open minded adoptive mom who was going to be secure and not threatened by the past all faded away.  My gut feelings were insecurity and fear that she was so attached to her prior caregivers that she wouldn't attach to me.  That she loved "them" more than me...now rationally thinking she probably did considering she had been with one of them for 3 years and the other for 2 years and been with me for what, 20 days?!  But it was the first sign of that insecurity many adoptive moms may feel when their child brings up their desire to search for the first mother or visit their heritage country.  I guess in my pride and delusional thinking, I didn't think I would feel that...but I totally did and still do.  And everytime she asks me to see her photo album, a part of me clenches inside and doesn't want to show it to her...but it's at those moments, I have to remind myself, it's not about me...it's about her and she needs to know where she came from to help her understand where she is now.  So, we sit down for the 3rd or 4th time or more for the day and look through the photos and I listen as she jabbers away about her past and shares the stories that may soon fade from her memory probably faster than I think it will.  And I try to let go of my own insecurities and learn from my daughter's past, her stories...writing them down so when her memory fades, I'll have them recorded and can help her hold onto the past instead of being the one who pushes her past away.

Honest confession, some days it's been very hard...wondering what in the world did we do to turn our world upside down...BUT learning more and more about this sweet girl and seeing our family change and stretch to embrace her as all been worth it.

A Waiting Child No More

5 months ago we posted about how our Mercy had been a waiting child and that is why she is so much older than the typically adopted child from South Korea.  Well, it makes me absolutely shudder as she's been home almost a month now, how close we were to not being her family.  How we did say no and God said to reconsider.  And how so very thankful we reconsidered and that she is our daughter.  

Due to some of her history we were expecting a lot more delays and concerns, but we have been amazed by how developmentally on track she is.  She is so observant and takes just everything in.  She is inquisitive and has such a sweet nature.  We were planning to hold off on preschool until the fall but she was ready to jump in.  I guess she wasn't able to go to a preschool in Korea so was psyched to finally get to go to school here in America.  She has been doing great there and was very happy when we gave her her very own Hello Kitty backpack! 

Posing in the school hallway with her backpack!

And this "waiting child", the one who was overlooked for 4 years!?  Well, guess what she wants to be when she grows up?  A doctor!  That is what she has told us.  Is it because she saw a lot of doctors in her early life?  Who knows...but she is psyched about it and preparing already...

At the Science Museum...getting her charts ready...

...diagnosing serious conditions through her microscope...

...giving the patient a shot.

I am so thankful this waiting child has to wait no more but am discouraged wondering how many other waiting children there are who are being overlooked because their file looked too scary?

One Less...

Today I was so blessed to attend a wonderful local conference on Orphan Care and awareness via Chosen Ministries and it was the perfect pick me up I needed after 3 weeks of being in this new phase of life.   This phase of being a family of 6, of 4 kids, but in acuality feels like one child and 3 toddlers! 

As I've blogged before it's been up and down.  Not just on a daily or weekly basis but probably on an hourly basis!  It's not just the working and processing out Mercy's grief and attachment but working through the dynamics of helping her attach to her siblings and dad as well as working with Hudson in his terrible two's work out how to handle all the changes he's going through too.  I feel as if I'm constantly watching over the kids looking to see if there are any relationship dynamics that I have to referee or guide...and not just in one language but two!  Though one of the side benefits is that my Korean is getting much better and Hudson is picking it up like crazy!  It's been so cool to see that happen. 

Anyways, it's been exhausting just as I should expect.  I think back at those first 2 weeks post partum with a newborn...yikes!...it's been kinda like that but more on a mental exhaustion level moreso than the physical exhaustion. 

At the conference one of the speakers mentioned that 65% of parents after adoption will get the "adoption blues".  After I heard that I realized, maybe I'm falling into that 65%.  I have been feeling just blah and realizing often I'm literally wanting to put my fingers to my mouth and force my lips to smile because I just feel overwhelmed and stressed...not necessarily happy. 

BUT our God is so gracious.  He timely placed this conference at the perfect time.  I met other adoptive moms who had been through the trenches of bringing home older kids, artificial twinning, and they had survivied and are thriving.  I was reminded that it's totally okay to be exhausted.  It's NORMAL!  But most of all, I was reminded that there is ONE LESS orphan in the world and ONE MORE in a family.  Mercy is home.  We are done bringing her home...she is home. 

Sorry for the length of this blog but I wanted to tie it into some thoughts I had after visiting the orphanage in Korea.  We visited an orphanage in a rural area of Korea about 2 hours southeast of Seoul.  That is where we took some of our donations from our fundraiser last year.  Well, this was a wonderful but also eye-opening and sad experience for us.  It was wonderful because we met wonderful people who are sacrifically and faithfully serving God as they care for the 65 or so orphans in this place.  There was one single woman who has given her life pretty much to loving and caring for these orphans there as she has been there for 30 years now.  Her humble and sweet spirit just was such a blessing to witness. 

There was the grandfather who had started this orphangage over 50 years ago after the Korean War and the son who has carried it on to where it is now.  Who gives his last name to the kids who they cannot locate family for and as we witnessed him giving out monthly allowances to the kids and saw his friendly banter and kind heart knew he was truly exemplifying the heart of a father to the fatherless. 

But it was also eye-opening and sad as we learned about why so many of these kids are at the orphanage in the first place.  Sadly it is common we learned in the Korean culture that after a divorce or even being widowed, when and if a parent remarries, they may drop their children from the prior marriage off in an orphanage so they can start a new life with their new spouse.  Obviously there are reasons like poverty that drive a parent to this desperate situation, but there are also those who really do not want to be hindered as they start their new life.  And because these kids have at least one family member, they are unable to be eligible for adoption....even if that family member dropped them off at 6 months old and has not come back once.  That was the sad reality here. 

Another thing being in Korea, as we spoke with friends who have been living in Korea while, or even our own relatives is realizing how much the culture values external apperance, wealth, education, and background connections.  How biased culture is against the orphan without a family behind them.  We had the joy on Good Friday to attend a joint service of many of the English Ministries in Seoul.  Of course a God thing, they had a special presentation on a volunteer ministry, who is working on a special project to mentor and help older orphans as they transition out of the orphanage.  It was so sad to watch a video of a girl who had left the orphanage to attend college but due to her limited opportunities for jobs and lack of family support, had to work as a bar hostess in order to support herself for school.  This is a common occurance, especially for young girls.  Thankfully through the ministry and mentors and volunteers, this girl was able to find a job in a preschool instead.  We realized more and more how difficult it will be for an orphan growing up in an orphanage to transition successfully into mainstream Korean culture and life with the many biases that are against them. 

I was reminded today at the conference of how important and good it is for a child to be in a loving family.  To have the opportunity to see the gospel love worked out day by day in a family context.  I was mulling on this and also the stuff I had been trying to process from our trip to Korea...as well as still trying to work through helping Mercy process her grief and sadness over losing her old life in the orphanage.  You see, she was in such a loving and caring place.  It was a blessing because she has no signs of trauma or attachment issues because she was given the opportunity early in life to develop strong attachments.  And no wonder she misses the place.  They played with her all the time, cared for her, and loved her like crazy. 

BUT the thing is, she wouldn't have just stayed there.  She would have grown and moved onto a regular orphanage and then moved onto growing up to leave the orphanage and be on her own.  Yes, she has to adjust to losing the wonderful people at her orphanage.  Yes, she has to adjust to being in an entirely unfamiliar and new place. 

But the reality is now she has a family. A family who will strive with God's strength to love her unconditionally...to help her see the never-ending, never-changing Love of God.  And we have the joy of calling this precious child our daughter...and to experience more of the reality of our own adoption into His family.  As one who knows us well can testify, we are not a perfect family in any means...very far from that.  I have to force myself to smile many days and feel overwhelmed with the worries of wondering are we going to make it. We make mistakes and run around putting out fires constantly. 

But we know that this is the plan that God has for our family...there is no doubt in my mind we are right where we are supposed to be...even when I look at my life through my blurry exhausted eyes.  Why are we in the center of God's will for us?  Because His heart hears the cries of the fatherless (Psalm 10:17-18).  He cares about the lonely and places them in families (Psalm 68:6).  All we did was say "Yes" to God.  He was doing everything already...and we just have the privilige to hold on tight as He takes us on this amazing and sometimes exhausting journey!

Are they twins?

We had our first "Are they twins?" questioning this week. 
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Thursdays are Big Brother and Mercy day.  The other kids are at school and daycare so this is the day that is dedicated for these two to bond.  The kids on Thursdays have a semi-private swimming lesson at the Y which they both totally enjoyed. 

Mercy gets scared but jumps right in with direction.  We almost felt it was like a swimming ESL (English as a Second Language) class with me sitting right by the instructor the whole lesson translating.  Mercy picked up lots of new words during the class including, "help me" and "kick". 

Loving the water!  Jumped right in!

My other water bug!

Learning to back float

I love how her eyes are just closed tightly and she's hanging on!

Side note:  Tim saw this sign and told me, "Look mom, no mermaids allowed."  (he doesn't know how to read yet!) 

 Well, after the class, they got all washed up and dried off...

 ...and we headed to McDonald's for lunch.  The kids were playing in the play area really well when we got our first "Are they twins?" question.  It was funny because I have just been waiting for this question!  I already knew how I was going to answer and it was so fun to see the reaction I knew I would get.  I replied, "No, they are not."  Then the person asked me how far apart are they in age...I answered, "5 months".  Then I got that blank, quizzical look where you know the person is doing mental math in their head wondering how this could be biologically possible!  I would have just left it at that and moved on, but it was this sweet old lady and I felt bad, so I told her one of the kids was adopted.    But it was definitely fun using that line for the first time and seeing the reaction! 

Going tentatively well...

So we are home now as a complete family for 18 days as my oldest told us today over breakfast.  How has it been so far?  Well as you can see from my prior posts, the first week or 10 days was pretty hard.  Lots of grieving and crying at the drop of mentioning her orphanage name or friends or caregivers. 

But over the past week, things have changed.  She is still talking about the orphanage and her friends but in a very healthy way.  Matter of fact and descriptives.  And I told her whenever she misses them, she can pray to God to care for them and love them.  So, I have caught her several times with her hands clasped and eyes closed, praying for each of her old friends and caregivers by name. 

I also had a talk with one of our social workers who told me that it's okay for us to talk about Mercy's past with her and to let her talk it out and it won't impinge our attachment which is what I worried about.  She actually made a great suggestion that I write down the things Mercy tells me about her past so I can share them with Mercy when she is older. 

With our unique experience as being an adoptive family of an older child who can verbally express a lot of her feelings and for us being able to speak Korean with her, our "cocooning" time has been a bit different than what we did with Hudson or what many of our friends are doing.  We have actually been out and about a lot and Mercy has already started 2 days of morning preschool with me there the whole time.  Why so fast?  Well, she wanted to start fast!  As she was with me dropping off the older kids at school, she was adamant that she wanted to start school too.  Main reason being in Korea due to paperwork issues, she couldn't go to preschool so she watched her friends go everyday and was sad.  The caregivers told her that she would go to school when she goes to America.  So, she was READY!  We did a trial morning last week and I was in the room the whole time and she did great.  One of the teachers is a grad student from Korea so was able to communicate with Sarah.  And then yesterday, we went again and this time I stepped out into the observation room where she cannot see me and she did fine with only coming to look for me 2 times.  And after reassurance I was there, she went right back in. 

We also are starting swimming lessons with just her and older brother today at the YMCA.  She is so so so excited about this and as soon as she woke up at 6am asked me to get her in her swimsuit even though the lessons aren't until 11am!  Again I will be right there with them the whole time. 

We have had more people come and go than we did with Hudson but after anyone leaves we always have a conversation with Mercy about who that person is in relation to us and to her and then we reinforce who her family is. 

We have been watching for boundary issues and initially noticed that when she liked someone a lot she would hug and kiss them which is very common in kids who were in orphanages.  However, after we talked about it with her that kisses are only for family and we name one by one who she can kiss, she has stopped doing this. 

One thing that broke my heart yesterday was we took her to the doctors for her first check up and she got 3 shots.  (Kindergarten shots!)  She flinched but did not cry at all.  I almost cried because that is not normal for a typical 5 year old.   My other older two both had to be held down and were screaming. 

Afterwards, we went to get a treat and I asked her if the shots hurt and she said, "No, it didn't hurt one bit".  But as her mommy, I knew it did.  I told her it's okay to tell me it hurts.  She again said it didn't.  Then I got to her eye level and said, " You know that even when mommy gets shots, it hurts."  Then she paused and told me the shots hurt.  (and proceeded to tell me her arms hurt the whole entire day!).  But that was a moment of sadness for me as I realized in Korea the kids are taught to be stoic.  To suck it up if it hurts.  And they are praised for being "brave."  But now I want my sweet daughter to learn it's okay to share her fears and owwies with us as she has a family. 

So, how are things going all in all.  Much smoother than I anticipated during that first week.  No more crying at night and I actually go to bed in my own bed after she falls asleep.  (though usually around 5am I hear her calling for me outside my door...then I go with her back to her room and sleep on the floor next to her until morning.)  She's been fine with this as I have been able to tell her, "If mommy is not there when you wake up, you can just come to mommy's room and call me and I'll come back." 

The only big thing is that though we are not working through the grief anymore or crying or sign language, I am the one who is explaining the world to her every single waking hour.  So, honestly, I am exhausted mentally by 8pm.  Just want to crawl into bed and sleep too! 

How do you teach a child what Mommy really means?

I think one of the most perplexing thing that we've come across is trying to understand how do we teach our Mercy something that all our other kids came to know naturally and we took for granted their understanding of. How do we teach her what the role of mommy is?

She came to us with an understanding of mommy that is from her interactions with her loving caregivers at the orphanage. Yes, they loved her so much and we are so thankful for them. And with that love for her there was an element of her getting her way often. So, one of the first things we have had to work with her through was that a mommy is not just a playmate or friend that meets her every whim, even when wanting strawberry ice-cream every day. But we had to talk about how a mommy is there to take care of her and love her and make sure she grows up strong and healthy and happy and that sometimes means that we can't give her all the sweets she wants or daily meals of only jajangmyun (black bean noodles) and ramen. But sometimes we have to ask her to eat her healthy food first and then eat the dessert and if she doesn't eat the healthy food, then a mommy is someone who doesn't give her that dessert because she loves her enough to want to teach her what to do what is best for her.

We've had to talk to her about that a mommy that is a mommy of other kids also in the family cannot only stick by the side of one kid all the time. I've had to tell her sometime I have to leave her side because I am also the mommy of her brothers and sisters. But that doesn't mean I love her less. It means as a family there is a mommy and daddy there to take care of, provide for, protect, and nurture the kids...and the kids are in a family her friends and playmates. So when she asks to only play with me, I have to gently guide her to also ask her sister or brothers to play so we can all play together.

We've also had interesting conversations about where she and the other kids came from. She randomly asked me the other day if she came from my tummy. I have no idea where she heard about this or got info on this. So much sooner than I every expected (only 10 days into being with her) I had to talk to her about who a birth mother is and how even though she did not grow in my tummy, she grew in my heart.

There have also been other interesting but hard conversations where she one day I mentioned that she had been in America with her family for 1 week now and then she responded "Yes, since the day you took me from my orphanage." Ouch, that hurt! Did she think took her away from something that was better than family? So we had to talk about how her orphanage caregivers loved her and cared for her but that the orphanage was not a permanent family but a place where they cared for her and the other kids until they could go home to their families. And that this family is permanent. I'm her mommy forever.

How do you teach a child who a mommy is? With patience (lots of it) and lots of explanations but also the everyday faithfulness of loving, caring, meeting her needs, and praying for her.

Hopefully as the days turn into months and the months turn into years...she will learn that a mommy is someone who will love her forever.